No, I'm not the one, yet..

Everybody knows how much I love him.
The way our friendship turned into a breath-taking romance.
The You-were-always-the-one case..

No.

I'm not the one.
I wouldn't want to compromise nor expect.

I sometimes wonder why God gave me such a wonderful man.
I know, I always know how lucky am I to have this guy in my life.
But I doubt on his side.
Maybe, he wasn't lucky at all to have me.

I know myself.
I've always been the bad one on most cases.
I have an unbearable pride which is overly hard to change no matter what I do.
I wonder how the lamb fell in love with the lion.

It hurts so much to know that you have hurt the guy you love more than everything you own.
A feeling of madness and hatred dwells, more or less, in yourself.
You wanted to punish yourself so much for hurting his feelings.
Sometimes you wish you'd just die, knowing you've used up all the time without him.

I hate the fact that I've used myself to have him around.
I hate the fact that I've been dependent.
I hate the fact that I am accountable for hurting him.
But mostly, I hate the fact that I was given to him when in fact I'm the worst girl around.

No, I'm not the one yet.

I wouldn't blame him if he had done wrong on me,
Hurt my feelings might as well,
More or less, leave me for someone better.

This blog is not about letting go.
I wouldn't do that.
Gabriel is my life and that won't change.

Rather, this blog is a realization.
That all my dreams are just dreams.
It will never come true.

A realization that would tell me that maybe, I'm not yet the one.
No, not one single proof could tell me that I am.
There's no person who loves but gives so much pain at the same time.

...